Once upon a time there was a bus driver who, nearing retirement, worried that his three adult children would never be able to afford their own homes in the Capital City real estate market. The children — an engineer, an airline pilot, and a human rights lawyer, were all so clever and brave that the bus driver began to be afraid that when he passed on, they would fight over his $2M, 1200 sq. ft. attached home, which he’d bought for $50,000 in 1967, and was for all intents and purposes a teardown, really.
Now, the bus driver, although he was nearing seventy, did not at all wish to give up dictating the governance of the province according to what worked in 1975, so he thought the best way to live in peace would be to divert the minds of his adult children with promises that he could always get out of when the time came for keeping them.
With this in mind, he descended into the tiny, two-room basement that his children shared with twenty millipedes, three rats, the furnace, and the laundry pair. After speaking to them kindly, he said, “You will agree, my dear children, that because I plan to spend all of the planet’s resources before I die, I fear that this may affect the welfare of my grandchildren — or your desire to give me grandchildren at all; therefore, I wish that one of you should solely inherit the house. But I expect something from you in return! As I think of going on my 135th Festival Cruise, I think a lively, faithful little dog would be delightful company. The one who brings me the most beautiful little dog shall inherit the house at once.”
The engineer, the airline pilot, and the human rights lawyer were surprised by their father’s sudden dog fancy, but they were also elated, as it gave each of them a chance they would not otherwise have of owning a home in Capital City. They accepted the challenge. Each bade farewell to the bus driver, who gave them gifts of the city’s best vegan unchicken and bubble tea, and they proposed to meet him at the same hour, in the same place, after a week had passed, to present the little dogs they had brought for him.
The engineer, the airline pilot, and the human rights lawyer sat in their father’s damp basement nibbling on their takeout and wondering what to do next.
“We could fly to Palm Beach, bring all of our friends, and go to the Royal Dog Show,” the airline pilot said. “I hear the banquet is incredible.”
“We could contact the animal rescues who evacuate dogs from war-torn kingdoms and see how many we can help,” the human rights lawyer said.
But the engineer was quiet. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a white paper business card she’d found discarded on the subway that morning. It had three lucky cats on one side and a URL printed on the other.
She flipped it over and over in her hand. “We should split up,” she said.
Each sibling took a different road. The pilot flew all of their friends to the dog show. The human rights lawyer rescued countless animals from oppressive regimes around the world.
But it is about the youngest, the engineer, that you are going to hear.
She was clever, and generous, and bold, and knew everything that an engineer ought to know. She spent the bulk of that day visiting dogs — big and little, greyhounds, mastiffs, spaniels, and Lhasa Apsos. As soon as she had seen a pretty one, she knew was sure to see one prettier. So, she journeyed through the city, not knowing where she was going, until at last, at nightfall, she reached the public library.
She did not know her way around the public library, having recently been privy to the privileged halls of engineering school, but as her student years had ended, so did her access, and her jumbo student loans were also in repayment. She stepped gingerly through the tall, revolving doors and made her way to one of the public computers. Here, she fished the white paper business card out of her pocket.
Lightning illuminated the lucky cats’ faces. They seemed to sneer while rain beat down upon the skylights above. The engineer turned over the card once more and typed in the URL.
With a thunderous crash, a white light emanated from the computer screen. In a moment, it enveloped her. The engineer found herself tumbling to the ground in the middle of a dark, ancient wood.
Shocked but ever practical, she stood up, smoothed her hair, dusted off the pine needles, and struck out on foot, hoping to find some cottage, as one does, where she could find shelter and warmth. Her stomach growled. She’d packed away two parcels of vegan unchicken, but it was now getting on into the night.
In the distance, there was a bright glow like the one that had emanated from the library terminal. It led her to the door of the most splendid castle she could have imagined. Or it could have been splendid at some point. She had to use a lot of imagination. The castle had two broken-down Styrofoam towers, with an enormous keep in between. Its great door was made of cheap plastic with flecks of peeling gold paint. There were indentations where fake jewels might have been when the castle was new and in its prime.
They must feel very secure against robbers, she thought. Everything that’s not nailed down is already gone.
The engineer placed one hand on the castle wall. It had the texture of rough-hewn packing material, and all the graffiti she had seen in her life was plastered upon it. She was terribly cold and also very soaked, so she turned again to the great plastic door. There, she found a toy sushi hanging by a rope.
She pulled on the sushi-on-a-rope and immediately heard a tinkling bell. The door flew open. But instead of a great hall with a staircase, she found a cliff overhanging a pit of paper serpents. Their ornate bodies coiled and writhed in a vile, crunching hubbub. The engineer stood for a moment with her mouth agape then felt invisible hands pushing her forward.
Taking her hand off the phone in her pocket — she’d been prepared for whatever might happen — the engineer noticed a long thick rope tied to a hook on the wall. She took it down and tied it into knots, each one meter apart. Then she eyeballed the rope, the pit, and the opposite platform, did a quick calculation and swung over the serpents, landing akimbo on the other side.
She sprung nimbly to her feet, as two voices sang from the rafters:
Excellent players drop out
One after another;
However, their efforts
Eventually pay off;
You idiot! You made it!
The engineer expected better from an enchanted castle, but she felt the inexplicable need to press on. Standing before her was a door made of faux carbuncles, which of course opened by itself. She entered and strolled through ten rooms in succession before she found a comfortable armchair. Next to it, a fireplace lit up. Nearby, the engineer found fresh white clothes embroidered with gold lamé and faux emeralds. She discarded her soaked clothes and put these on. Now snug and dressed as Elvis, she saw a table was laid for supper.
To the engineer’s surprise, into the room marched twelve scruffy cats carrying guitars. They began to strum and howl a ghastly tune. The engineer fell into fits of maniacal laughter. I should have gone to the dog show, she thought. But, given her current company, she kept these thoughts to herself.
Following the musicians came five more figures led by two cats dressed as samurai. One of the figures was taller than the rest. It wore a sequined white gown with a frayed nylon veil. The figure approached the engineer and threw back its veil to reveal the face of a pale woman. She looked very sad, and in a sweet voice that went straight to the engineer’s heart, she said:
“Engineer; I, the Queen of Cats, am glad to see you. I hope you will find our decrepit towers hospitable. The castle was originally built by an evil wizard, so we don’t call it by its original name anymore, and we can’t maintain it due to the current zoning laws, either, but I hope you will forgive us. You know what the property market is like.”
“Lady Cat,” the engineer replied, “Thank you for receiving me so kindly.” She studied the Queen’s uncanny near-human visage. “But surely you are no ordinary cat?”
“Bus driver’s child,” said the Queen, narrowing her almond-shaped eyes, “You are indeed very clever.” As they sat down to dinner, the engineer noticed the Queen wore a necklace containing a portrait. To the engineer’s surprise, it was a portrait of her father. The Queen observed the engineer’s gaze and sighed, but the engineer dared not ask any more questions.
When everyone was filled to the brim with fine supper, the Queen led her entourage to a room fitted with seventeen tall mushrooms in a large pool of water. All of the cats lined up at one end of the room. Seeing no viable alternative, the engineer quickly joined them.
“Ready, set, go!” the Queen proclaimed. The cats all hopped from mushroom to mushroom. The engineer noted that some of the caps were like solid rocks, but others stood on squishy springs. The ones that were soft dumped the hapless competitors headfirst into the pool. As the Queen yelled, “Disqualified! Disqualified!” the engineer did a quick calculation of the pattern. She took a running leap and jumped through the puzzle unharmed.
Then, the Queen said good night to all. An invisible force led the engineer to an ornate bedroom high up in the castle’s towers. The walls were lined with mirrors. A bed and wardrobe stood against the wall, made of translucent plexiglass and faux rubies. Exhausted, the engineer sank into the pile of pink polyester pillows and settled in for the night under the matching sateen duvet.
In the morning, the engineer awoke to all manner of noise and bustle outside. She got up and found in her wardrobe a dinosaur costume. All dressed up and feeling green, she peered out of the window of the Styrofoam tower. All of the cats were assembled in the courtyard. The engineer descended to join them. She found herself at the bottom of the spiral staircase, where a sign on the door read Start.
With one stuffed green paw, the engineer pressed open the door. Inside was a yellow room with three more identical doors. Pushing each in succession, she found two of the doors would open while the third was merely part of the wall. As the engineer moved through two more rooms, she was able to calculate that the tower was rectangular — three rooms across and four long. Aha, she thought. One of the doors on the exterior wall should open and lead to the exit. Jutting her furry chin with confidence, the engineer barged through one of the doors with one stuffed elbow stretched out in front of her. Then, wham! Two cats dressed as princesses assaulted her with squishy foam bats. The engineer struggled with the costumed cats. Eventually overcoming her challengers, she raced through the rest of the maze, as fast as she could wearing dinosaur feet. She burst victorious through the tower’s exit and joined the Queen and her entourage in the courtyard.
Each day passed with similar strange activities, until a week had nearly gone. The engineer had forgotten all about her quest. But the Queen knew, and one day she said, “You know, you only have one day left to find your little dog.”
“Oh, how could I forget!” cried the engineer. “I’ll be living in a tent in the woods at this rate! How will I find a lively, pretty dog…and how do I get out of here, anyway?”
“Bus driver’s child, do not be troubled,” the Queen said. “I will make everything easy for you. My van can drop you off at home in a couple of hours.”
“Thank you,” the engineer said. “But how will I find a lively little dog?”
“Heaven knows why anyone would want one, but here…” the Queen said. She held out her hand. In her palm appeared a walnut-shaped cake. “Inside this cake is a delicious nutty filling, oh, and the prettiest little dog you ever will see.”
The engineer held the cake up to her ear. Inside, a tiny voice said, “Bow-wow!” It must be a very small dog indeed! Then, as promised, the Queen’s van shepherded the engineer, the cake, and the dog all the way back to the city in time.
When the engineer met up with her siblings, each presented their dogs to their father. At first, no one could decide which dog was prettier, the one brought by the airline pilot or the one brought by the human rights lawyer. Then the engineer drew from her pocket a little pink box with the walnut cake. She opened the box. Then she opened the cake. There upon a cushion was a dog so small it could easily have been put through a wedding ring. It was exceedingly lively and pretty.
The bus driver knew it was impossible to find a smaller and prettier dog than this. Nevertheless, he was in no hurry to part with his house. He told the engineer, the airline pilot, and the human rights lawyer that they should leave again and find him a piece of muslin so fine that it could be made into curtains for the guest room.
The engineer left the house and ambled down the street, heavy hearted. Then she perked up, for at the end of the block there stood the Queen’s van.
“How could I hope that you would come back to me?” said the Queen when the engineer returned to the Styrofoam castle. “You’re in luck. I have cats here who spin very well. If anybody can manage some guest room curtains, they can. I will set them the task myself.”
At once, the Queen’s entourage appeared carrying torches. They conducted the engineer and the Queen to a miniature racecourse, where tiny tricycles awaited them all. Some of the tricycles were shaped like green fish, others like blue rubber ducks, others like orange, long-eared rabbits. The engineer and the cats each chose a tricycle and lined up at the starting line. A pistol sounded. Bang!
The engineer and the cats pedaled around the racecourse. The cats were small enough to fit on the tricycles, but the engineer found her knees at her ears as she scrambled to pedal the infernal machine. She frantically steered while steam spewed out of fissures in the roadway, knocking the players off balance. Then the roadway tipped out from underneath, sending players tumbling into mud pits. The engineer studied the racecourse. She chose the shortest vector to the finish line, determined her velocity, sped ahead on a perfect curve, and handily won the race.
As before, the engineer and the cats spent six days in such activities. Then the Queen reminded the engineer that a week had passed and she needed to return home to her father with the muslin for the guest room. “This time,” the Queen said, “I can give you a suitable escort.” A golden rocket appeared in the courtyard, enameled in flames with a thousand different devices. The engineer had never smiled so broadly in her life.
“Go!” said the Queen, “And when you appear before the bus driver, he will surely grant you the house you deserve. Take this taiyaki, but do not open it until you are with him. You will find inside it the fabric that he asked for.”
The engineer looked at the taiyaki, a fish-shaped waffle presumably filled with custard — and muslin — and said, “Lovely Queen, how can I thank you for all of your kindness?”
“I’ll come up with something,” the Queen said.
When the engineer arrived home in her speedy gold rocket, her two siblings were presenting the muslin they’d found at the city’s fabric stores — which were no longer in the garment district because the rent got too high. Indeed, the stuff was very fine. The engineer greeted them and took the taiyaki from her pocket. She opened it, expecting to find beautiful muslin, but instead there was only a gummy candy. She squished the gummy candy, but inside it lay only a cherry stone. Then she cracked open the stone and drew out the most marvelous set of guest-room curtains that were to be found anywhere.
The bus driver said with a deep sigh, “Nothing could make me happier than your willingness to run all over the world looking for strange objects at my behest. Go then once more, my children, and whoever at the end of a week can bring back the loveliest female companion for me, shall, without further delay, receive the house.”
The engineer returned in earnest to the Queen, riding her rocket enameled in flames with a thousand different devices. This time, the path to the Styrofoam castle was strewn with confetti, and a hundred braziers burned incense in her honor. The Queen sat in a gallery near a towering paper mâché wall. Crenellations punctuated the top, and beyond it stood a sunny orchard filled with enchanted fruit.
The Queen’s cats each grabbed a ladder and set them up at the base of the wall. Another cat held a flag and was dressed hat-and-tails like a little Napoleon. “Go!” Napoleon shouted and lowered the flag. Each player used their ladder to try to climb over and reach the fruit.
The engineer grabbed a ladder, but then she saw that the players were having trouble. Each time a cat reached the top of the wall, the ladder would shrink, or the wall would grow, so that no cat could reach the top and win. The engineer thought for a moment. Then she dropped the ladder, launched her body at the wall, and free climbed over the struggling cats using nothing but her own brute strength. She leaped, victorious, to the top of the wall, pumped her fist in the air, and yelled, “Yeah!”
The engineer returned to the Queen with as much of the enchanted fruit as she could carry. At this, the Queen said, “Thank you kindly, and as you must take back a lovely companion for your father, I will be on the lookout for one. In the meantime, tonight I have ordered a battle between my cats and the river rats to amuse you.”
“Outstanding,” the engineer said.
This week, too, slipped by in such events, until one evening the Queen said, “If you want to take home a lovely companion for your father, then you must do as I tell you. Take this sword,” she said, “and cut off my head!”
“I!” the engineer cried, “I cut off your head? I’m an engineer, not a murderer!”
“Do as I say,” the Queen said.
Tears came to the engineer’s eyes, but she drew the sword, calculated the angle to .01% margin of error, and swiftly cut off the Queen’s head.
Imagine the engineer’s astonishment when a lovely white cat stood before her!
“S– Snowy?!”
It was her father’s cat, Snowy, tragically lost in a blizzard some five years before.
“You see, engineer,” Snowy said, “you were right in thinking I was no ordinary cat. Your father, who loved me dearly, lost me one night in a February blizzard. When I came to, I found myself trapped in this Japanese game show! Now we must hurry back to the city, where surely he will be overjoyed to see his old companion.”
The engineer carried the cat to the rocket and ferried her back to her father’s house. When they arrived, her siblings were walking upon the veranda, each with a lovely companion for their father. They all came to greet the engineer, asking if she had also found a candidate. She said that she had found someone quite suitable — Snowy, their father’s dear lost cat!
The siblings all hastened to tell the bus driver, who was overjoyed to be reunited with Snowy, his all-time favorite companion.
“Dear bus driver,” said Snowy, “I’ve been waiting so long to see you. I was trapped for five years in a Japanese game show and longed for someone to come break the spell. Finally, someone did. Your own child, the engineer!”
The engineer smiled with a sparkle in her eye, certain she’d won the house. Then her father said, “My dearest children, this is the perfect outcome. For now, I don’t have to change my will at all! The original beneficiary was, of course, Snowy.”
The engineer seethed at the cat. You knew! But the cat pretended not to notice. She meticulously preened her pristine white fur. It flowed gracefully over her shoulders. Streams of enchanted flowers were twinkling in her path.
The bus driver gazed lovingly at Snowy. Snowy purred pompously at the bus driver. A murderous murmur rose from all around.
“Hey, you know your Aunt Edie, the slumlord?” said the bus driver, taking his precious cat in his arms. “Maybe she’ll rent you an apartment.”
About the author: Dianthe West (she/they) is an art historian turned poet and fiction author, which was always the prize. Their work is inspired by the sublime and the quirky, from Gothic landscapes to urban fantasy to Carrollian fairy tale satire. Dianthe's poetry has been featured in HWA Poetry Showcase IX. They live with their family, plants, four-legged familiars, and hundreds of grazing bunnies in Guelph, Ontario.
See more of Dianthe’s work on their website, and connect with them on Bluesky, Twitter/X, and Mastodon